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This is a vulnerable piece that I created about my experiences that I had with bullying, self-hate and chapters of how she grew up to be an individual that is confident and proud to be herself. She made a letter to her younger self describing all the trauma that she endured in her childhood. This meant a lot to me, hearing painful words at that time where it affected my mental health. That is the inner Sabrina was very pure and innocent. She was hurting and weak because she let other people win and change the way she felt about herself. This was a long journey and she will continue to describe her pain and how it made her blossom into the woman she is today. She’s also writing this for others to make them feel that they are not alone. You were always in love and that was the main lesson.

A letter to my younger self, 

I wish I loved myself more. It was hard since puberty was the worst. You are not alone and I feel like every teenager can agree to that. From when you were a kid, you used to be so happy playing the trumpet in band practice with your friends. Back to the time you were in comic book club and drawing. From that hideous outfit which you love, like the oversized khaki pants and oversized burgundy sweater that you tied around your waist or always putting on a tacky scarf around your neck. That was fashionable in my eyes. Other kids didn’t get the things you do because you felt good. You didn’t care about wearing hand-me-downs or Skechers. Time was simple back then when you enjoyed being yourself.  

Later on growing up, kids started to become so mean and told you shit that you are weird or awkward because you had shown interest that the other kids didn’t think that was cool. You felt like you didn’t fit in anymore. It was the little thing that started to bother you like when classmates constantly mention your stutter and your crooked smile every time you talk. You got older and wanted to look like the other popular girls. You wanted your nails done, Straight hair, boobs and a skinny waist. The kids got to you and you started to beg your mom to change from getting braces,to your eyebrows done, for cooler shoes, and new clothes until she finally did. 

  I remember the time my mom did have money to buy you new clothes. We went to stores like Old Navy, Gap, Ambericome and Fitch. It was so embarrassing for you because she picked out a couple denim jeans and none of the sizes she picked out you couldn’t fit them. It was shocking to mom you were a size 10 in women’s pants at the age of 13. That is when it first started to realize the change in your body and slowly not feel love for yourself.

I thought to myself, do other kids you see on Disney channel think like me? I thought those kids were so perfect with the nice hair, outfits, and the skin. You used to ask yourself, “Does Hannah Montana have to go through this feeling when she can’t fit into her new denim Jeans?” You felt alone and had strong hate for your growing teens. Like the time your mom did your hair every morning when you had to go to school. You thought to look beautiful you needed to have straight hair to be like all the pretty girls on tv. Give her the benefit of the doubt, she didn’t know how to do your hair but she tried to work with your curls, since YouTube wasn’t like it was in the old days. Your idea of beautiful is being skinny, having perfect skin and straight hair. All of that wasn’t me. You didn’t look like those Disney princesses, Snow White or Cinderella or those public figures. At that time you didn’t feel like you belonged.

Remember how the bullies in middle school and high school are girls talking bad about your body. You used to think to yourself. “What’s wrong with me?” You used to  hit your big thighs wishing it would be smaller.  The girls were so mean, saying “ you don’t look that good  like that in real life.” When you only posted yourself wearing that nice dress on social media. High school was way different in  sophomore year. The girls became so meaner.  You was picked on by dumb things like about how my body is just fat. The dumb stuff hearing, “when you touch me it’s like jello or I got fat ankles” and laughing at you like your a joke. Like who the fuck cares or look at someone ankles like that. You tried to lose weight by not eating as much, but that didn’t work. You just used to cry myself to sleep or eat when I’m sad or bored. Then you chafed that mindset of no longer feeling sorry for yourself.

 You used to hide yourself because you didn’t feel worthy. You have to realize that you are worthy. Those kids were not deserving of your time and energy. You are loved by amazing people. You surround yourself with friends and family. You should know you no longer have to hide yourself.  You should embrace that all the  kids were jealous because you were unafraid to be yourself and they wanted that within themselves. Those kids that grew up today are still jealous and want to be your friend. They got fat or pregnant and look at you where you are today, a powerful queen. I’m upset that you went through that much pain but that pain. That pain made you learn how to be compassionate and vulnerable. That pain made you understand about others not fitting in. That pain showed you a different meaning of loving yourself more. 

There are celebrities that promote body positivity now and Disney princesses that even look exactly like you. You made your own space on the table. Those kids are on their own journey of self love. As soon, they’re going to get the love, they need to start from peeling the layers away and being true to your authentic self. That will take a long time but you already conquered that process. You are no longer scared to walk into a room to be yourself. You are the most charming woman that I know. You have all eyes on you. You learned steps on how to be confident and unapologetic embracing yourself. It’s a journey and you will soon get there.